I was living in Japan for a visit. I was living with my Mother (who has been dead for more than fifteen years). We had dinner plans that night and were to catch a train the next day before we left the country two days later.
I decided to spend my morning going to the AKB48 practice studio to try and watch for a bit, though I was concerned I would be seen as a stalker, just hanging about.
As I got to the studio, the angels were playing soccer outside. It was well organized and being run by their dance coach. It was not a proper match, but a stylized game designed to practice some skill or another. The ball got kicked off the pitch and I ran to get it, but some of the younger research students I did not know were quicker and got it first. I decided to sit and watch at a nearby concrete embankment.As I sat there the dance coach came over and spoke with me. The conversation was pretty strange. He indicated that the ladies of AKB48 felt I was holding back. I was at first surprised that they had even noticed me, but did not know what he meant. He said they felt that I was not loving them as completely as I could, I was not giving myself over to AKB48. The members, who had noticed me, felt I was deliberately keeping distance between myself and them; that I was unwilling to share who I was with them. I explained I had tried all I could, but was unable to get tickets to a theater show. He asked when I would like to see them.
At this moment my mind raced, when was I leaving- early tomorrow. Was he seriously able to get me admission to a theater show? The only time I could do anything was that day! I asked about today. The dance instructor nodded and told me to be back at four. He indicated I could travel with the group when they went to an event that they were going to walk to together.I went back to where we were staying and it had started to rain. It was a cold rain like none I had experienced in my summer in Japan. I told my Mother I would be going out at four and would probably miss dinner. She was not entirely happy, but accepted my decision. I looked through my clothes, and decided to wear pants because of the strange cold, as I tried to pick out a decent outfit.
As I picked out my clothes, I contemplated the dance instructor's words. Was it true I was holding back? I thought of the possibility that the angels of AKB48 might actually enjoy meeting me a little bit. And then, as I half woke up, I began to wonder if the statement about holding back applied to my waking life. I had a girlfriend for ten years and when she dumped me, it hurt quite a bit. Was I holding back so that there would be no possibility of suffering that kind of hurt again?
As I am more fully awake, I find myself asking, am I using AKB48 to hide myself from the world, yet meet some of my emotional needs. While I joke and write in hyperbole about my worship of Watanabe Mayu, I do love and care for her, Uchida Mayumi, Kimotoa Kanon and the others. It pains me to learn of Mayuchi's struggles with self esteem and her weight that come across in her blog. I can care and love without any of the danger. These angels will never reject me, and on rare occasion some of them have even noticed I exist. These angels play an important part in my need to love and I don't really ever have to be open myself and give myself over to the love, and possible rejection, of another.
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